The One With Crying in The Shower


DISCLAIMER:
These stories are inspired by Felicia’s colorful 2017. If the reader prefers, the short stories/blogs or parts of it may be regarded as fiction. But as Ernest Hemingway said, there is always the chance that fiction may throw some light on what has been regarded as fact.

I’m hoping you have read some of past blogs already. Otherwise, you may be lost in this one. For a little background, I suggest to read blog entry, "The One When I Spent My First Weekend in Hartford." 
It’s the second month of year 2017. This time, February 14th fell on a weekday. This meant I had to wait for the weekend to be with John, the weekend  that ended up as our our last Valentines together. Also, this was the last of our many road trips with our kids. See, I also planned a weekend trip to Vermont. It was, after all, the start of David’s and Samantha’s February/ winter break.

I bought 4 tickets to “The Trevor Noah Comedy Show” in Hartford the Friday of Valentine’s weekend. John and I are fans of the handsome, intelligent and articulate comedian from South Africa. We were introduced to his work by John’s cousin/best friend, Patrick,at one of our Youtube video marathons at the Smith family vacation in Martha’s Vineyard in the summer of 2014. I made sure I got good seats so  I bought the tickets 3 months early, in November 2016. This was about two months since I decided to give John “time and space.” And though I gave him back the engagement ring, our communications never stopped. There were still Facetime, daily text messages and endless invitations to come see him. So it never felt that we were truly broken up. He also wouldn’t accept me breaking up with him, regardless of how many times I ignored him. His cousin, my friend Amy, told me that John even told his family at Christmas, that I could not join them for the holidays because I was working. I also remember this exchange of text messages in December 2016-
Somehow, I was still very hopeful, and that time, I still didn’t know there was someone else. Also, he continually made me hope. There were many text messages of “ In a few months, my situation will change,” “When I finish my PhD, I will have more time for us,” “Just wait until David goes to college next year, things will change…”  So with hope and excitement, I bought tickets to Trevor’s Valentine Show. I believed by then, we would “officially” be back together. Why wouldn’t we? I still get my “I love yous” and “I miss yous.”
I bought 4 tickets to the show because I was hoping we can go on a double date with his cousin/best friend Patrick, and Brenda, John's twin sister. Brenda wanted to pay me back for her ticket, I told her it was my treat. After all, I have eaten much of her food at every family gathering she hosted.  I also told John not to take Patrick’s money, and to tell him the same thing I told Brenda. But he never did. In fact, in front of me, he took the money from Patrick, put it in his front pocket, and used it to buy us drinks at the show and cocktails after the show. Well, later I realized, he probably wanted half the money he spent on 2 orders from 1-800-Flowers.com back.
At the show, John and I were holding hands the whole time. I also put my arms around him and my head on his chest when we stood up for the intermission, and each time we and the rest of the audience gave Trevor a standing ovation. I remember Patrick looking at us as if confused. I thought it was weird, but when I caught him staring again as  John and I embraced each other, he sighed and said, “Aww, you two are so sweet.” Little did I know that Patrick already knew about Lili. I found this out from Lili months later, again, when she trapped me for 2 hours in her office (See Blog entry- "The One When I Was Plan B" and "The One Withe The Black Panther." The same time she told me that she also had received flowers from John, and bragged about being with John  the night of February 14th.

Lili said that John’s excuse that Valentine weekend was he was taking his son, David snowboarding. Naturally, John did not  tell her who else was on that trip (or maybe he did). But I’m pretty sure, he did not mention to her who planned and paid for the trip to Vermont, the same person who paid for the Trevor Noah tickets. This is not about money. I just could not believe that one would be that shameless and opportunistic. John was already almost living with Lili and yet, not only did he mislead me and our children, he took advantage of me, physically, emotionally and financially. I can see that when you know the relationship is doomed, you probably would not want to “invest” in it anymore. But then, if you continue to mislead the other, and take advantage of her trust and generosity, while you continually  betray her, then you’re just one horrible person.

I had been crying since May of 2017 when I found out about the “new” girlfriend (See Blog Entry- The One When I Found Out). But that day in July 2017, when I found out that it was Lili all along, I started putting the pieces together. I did not think that he had been cheating on me since February 2017…  since 2016… since 2015, and as far back as 2013. So when I found out in July that it was Lili all along, I had many flashbacks, many explanations to his past behaviors, many realizations… from the one where John did not want any pictures at the Trevor Noah Show, to the one where Lili was sitting 5 pews behind me at John’s sister’s funeral service in January 2016(Spoiler Alert: “The One at the Funeral”) to John’s behavior in one of our trips(Spoiler Alert: "The One When We Went to Bermuda). Now I know I spent  my last weekend with John, when he still had Lili’s scent on his body. That was when I rushed to my bathroom and cried my heart out.
Movie Scene from "Must Love Dogs"
I’ve heard and seen (in movies) about shower-crying. I guess there is something about being alone, naked and soaked in running water that brings on tears. Or is it the privacy the bathroom gives, the sound of falling water and shower drops hitting the tub, further masking  the sounds of crying and body convulsing sobs?  One author (Ray Bradbury) even wrote a poetic ode to the shower-cry—“Why didn’t someone tell me about crying in the shower? You wear your sadness, properly assuaged. Your head and face massaged by storms of spring.” 

I guess crying is cathartic, and so is showering, then both together is twice as good. But for me,  it was more than needing catharsis. It was more than just finding a safe space where no one can hear me. I did not need the warm water to sooth me or wash away my tears. Tears which, for several weeks,  seem to have dehydrated me already. I was crying in the shower to  cleanse myself, both with my own stream of tears and the shower on full blast … to cleanse myself … from all the filth I unknowingly accumulated … sleeping with John “and” Lili, to wash off John’s cells left on my body, to flush away any remnant of Lili’s scent on my skin, and to wash off any guilt that John strategically put on me.” 

My friend Karol said,  “It is normal to question yourself. After all, the one person you thought you could trust with your life has done something horrible. That will make you question everything.” She said the affair actually has very little to do with me. It is about the character of the cheater. She said it is okay to think about the infidelity. It  is part of dealing with the betrayal. It’s a natural reaction to have, when someone had literally ripped your heart out of your chest, after he stabbed it multiple times. I know I cannot allow the thoughts about the pain to take over my life. Karol said, “Once you have truly dealt with it, it’s time to move past it and move on so that you can completely deal with betrayal in a healthy way, one that will allow you to make a new life for yourself. “

Now, to my readers… As heartbreaking as these may all sound, remember that my blog’s title is Bye Felicia, Hello Life. The “Hello Life” parts will be blogged about,  (some are already in “The One With The Piano” and “The One With The Summer Surprises.”)  But as writer Octavia Butler said, “ You don't start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap… thinking it's good stuff, and then gradually, you get better at it.”
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Comments

Tiffanie Anne said…
Thank you for your truth and honesty in your writing. Although, you are in a better place now because "...hello life!" It must be somewhat still difficult to write, but behind it all I see some strength behind your words in this post. I am so glad that you are better now and you know what? Without that negativity in your life, you will continue to live a good life!
Pujarini Mitra said…
I like your stories because they are true from the heart. I am glad you are in a good place now. I am sure it must be difficult writing about tough parts of life but I am sure people get strength from your writing.
Kylie Abreu said…
I cry in the shower too! It is easy to let it all out and for no one to hear you
Echo Shehadeh said…
This is such a great post. I love how truthful you are, and it is so nice to see that you are in a better place now. Everything gives you the opportunity to become stronger.
Katie wilson said…
Showers have a way of generating new starts and resets. I've definitely done my time in there too, but you always seem to emerge slightly more comforted and confident to try to face the world again! Thank you for sharing!
Jenna said…
You are so brave to be sharing such painful memories. I hope that you are living your best life. 😘
Ingrid said…
I am so sorry that you had to go through that heartache. You are so brave and courageous for sharing this story. The positive thing is that you survived and became a stronger person. Keep looking ahead and remember that your history does not determine your past!
Katie said…
I can’t imagine the pain you went through! Your honesty shows just how brave you are and strong you are. Never let a man define you!
Anna Radmall said…
This is such a wonderful post - even though I'm sure it was so hard to write, there are so many others out there that will read this and not feel alone. And the shower is definitely where I get my crying out, too!
Julie Plagens said…
Thanks for your comment. Yes, I have read some of your writing. And, yes, I understand. It would be nice to write fluffy material. I do some, but I always have an encouragement to do the right thing. I’m glad you have moved on!!! Good luck to you.
You should be proud of your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate how honest it is.
April Kitchens said…
Sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings online is so brave!
this is so inspiring, thank u for being honest and for sharing these details, history neither defines nor determines your past
Cheryl Bushore said…
My heart aches for you reading this. I can definitely relate to the cleansing power of shower crying. Your writing is also getting so good! It’s like reading a novel that you can imagine being made into a chick flick!
ThrifDeeDubai said…
I admire your courage to write this & can relate to so many points.... great post, keep it up because it's good to have somewhere to channel your thoughts & emotions!
Roopika Sareen said…
Shower crying is easy because that’s the bare you standing there.. not a woman, not a wife, Not a Mom,Not a professional.. just the bare you. It’s quite relieving .
Clair Cook said…
I can’t imagine how you felt when you found out about the other woman. I know I would have been torn a part and needing a good shower cry too. Those really are the best cries to wash away the pain and sadness!
Angie Mirasola said…
Let it out girl! I don’t know what it is about showers, but they are great for a good cry!

I love your comment the end, it’s so true about writing. I’ve never heard that before, but I agree we start out and get better as time goes by.
Xo Livi said…
I'm so sorry about what happened. Showers are a great place to let it out because the water is very soothing.
Simpli Sanders said…
Relationships are so rough! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for an insight into your life.
Angela Milnes said…
This is such an open and reassuring post that everyone is not alone when it comes to something like this. Showers to me are very relaxing so crying in the shower would seem like something to just come naturally.
Rachel said…
I am fan of crying in the shower.It is so freeing. I'm sorry Trevor Noah got associated with this hard weekend for you though.
Natalie Allen said…
I totally know what you mean. I have cried in the shower in the past and it felt so very good. I'm sorry you had to go through such an emotional time, but I find that sometimes the worst points in my life will make the best points even better.
Cristina Pop said…
I hope you are really prod of yourself. I love your honest writing style. And I also cry sometimes under the shower...
The shower has always been somewhat therapeutic for me. It's a safe space and a place to let things go. Very freeing, yes. Sorry for the hard times...
Terri Beavers said…
Wow, I don't like John after reading this, is that okay? Lol. I have cried my share in the shower when I lost loved ones. Never over a man though, I never dated any that were worth my tears. You have a ver compassionate soul and that is really admirable.
Chi Mpundu said…
Crying in the shower is so cathartic. I'm so sorry for everything that John put you through!
Sara Welch said…
I think we all can appreciate the honesty. I have to say I don't cry in the shower, or much at all anymore.
momi berlin said…
I find you too brave to narrate and share with us the story of John and the rest. I only wish you good luck and lots of love. I don't like the scene wherein he got the money from Patrick. But anyway, that's him. I wish you again more love.
momi berlin said…
I find you too brave to narrate and share with us the story of John and the rest. I only wish you good luck and lots of love. I don't like the scene wherein he got the money from Patrick. But anyway, that's him. I wish you again more love.
I think the shower is the best place ever to get rid of all the sadness. Take away the pain
KC Puentespina said…
I can’t imagine going through that. It is so heartbreaking. You are one tough mama. You inspire me.
Sela said…
Crying in the shower is great therapy and it allow us to get it all out in private. This is such a great post and I love how truthful you were. It is great to know that you are in a better place now and you are stronger as a result.
Sela said…
I cry in the shower Too because it is great therapy. This is such a great post and I love how truthful you are. It is great to know that you are in a better place now and that you are stronger as a result.
Sudipta Dev said…
Dear Felicia, you are truly brave to put out so honestly your pain before the whole world. I found a great learning here for myself also. Thank you.
I have a son who has autism and when I cry, it really upsets him. Crying in the shower has been my solution!
This is so inspiring! Crying in the shower really is some of the best therapy when dealing with heartache. Thank you for sharing your story!
very heart touching. I also cry in the shower, It makes me feel good and after that, I feel positive sometimes.
Nicole said…
First, thank you for sharing your story! I personally know as well how hard being so truthful and honest about something like that can be. Infedlity is one of the worst pains you can put on someone, especially when they were truly loved by you. I found myself asking the same questions, why wasn't I good enough? When the truth is that we were too good, it is the character of the cheater. He wasn't happy with himself and where he was in life and felt he needed to do any means to find that happiness, he never thought about the repercussions. I'm so glad you are able to talk about it, that means you are finding ways to cope and heal healthily. You're a strong woman, never forget your inner power, thanks for sharing!
Thank you for being so honest and open. When I need to cry I often get in the shower. There is something symbolic about washing the pain and tears away that makes me feel better.
Thank you for being so honest and open. When I need to cry I often get in the shower. There is something symbolic about washing the pain and tears away that makes me feel better.
Becca Wilson said…
This is such a story of truth for so many people. You have no idea how many people cry in hidden places like this.
Ally said…
As always, I love your writing! I couldn’t imagine going through a situation like yours. When you’re still hopeful but have no idea that there is someone else in the picture, gives me chills thinking about it!

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