The Ugly Truth of Why They Cheat

By Imelda Post, Hemet CA

He lied. He cheated. He denied.
A guilty person doesn't like being caught;  they will deny it to the bitter end; they will blame everyone before they confess. Why? Because it makes them look bad and feel bad. And since when have you ever heard a criminal confess to a crime? It takes detectives years to come up with evidence and convict them before they admit it. This is the truth about anyone who is guilty of cheating or otherwise. And even if they have no more choice, but to admit to the crime, they will find a way to make it look like they did it for a noble reason, or that they were, at one point, a victim themselves because no one understood their feelings.
Before they are caught, they are abusive, neglectful, secretive, deceitful, unhappy looking for an outlet to their unhappiness. They have convinced themselves YOU are the problem not them. How can it be them? They can't be the reason for their own unhappiness... YOU are the problem. This is where they get their justification for going behind your back. They would rather escape, than deal with the real issues. Dealing with the real issues makes them uncomfortable. It is easier to find a reason to blame you.
Meanwhile, as they are avoiding the real problem, they are also busy making you feel like a crazy person, so they have reason to avoid you. It starts out subtle, day by day, month by month until you hardly see them or talk to them or hold them.  Pretty soon, they avoid you all together. And then they give you excuses. You have no reason not to trust them; they haven't yet given you one. But deep down ,you know something is wrong. You feel the neglect, If you are dealing with a narcissistic covert cheater, they are one of the worst.  From the beginning of the relationship, they started to run their game on you. They were testing the waters long before you ever knew anything about the personality disorder. Talk about making you crazy.. .yes, subtle humorous jabs at your expense, put downs and careful insults. They learn to control you and put you on edge. They started it with a cat and mouse game. The rest was a piece of cake for them. So if you ever felt disoriented, anxious, doubtful, insecure, abandoned, alone, emotional, know that this is part of their manipulation. This is how they create the PTSD trauma within you. You loved them so much,  your mind cannot understand, cannot accept, cannot wrap itself around the ugly reality of how anyone you love could treat you this badly. But they can… and they will and …they have.
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 - Ocean Queen, Imelda Post of Hemet, CA , a single grandmother of 7 beautiful grandchildren, is a free spirit who enjoys music, books, photography, traveling and living life with a pinch of sarcasm. She was married for 18 years; married late on purpose to hopefully avoid a divorce, but she still fell into the trap of a narcissist.

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Belinda Mattingly said…
I see that Imelda related to your story. It must be healing to be able to help people even if it's just to let them know they are not alone.
Ally said…
This was such a powerful read. It is so easy to blame ourselves and feel confused when cases of infidelity happen, I especially liked the parallel she drew from infidelity to a thief confessing to a crime.
Great read, looking forward to more :) Makes you think about some thing that matter in life
That is an interesting point of view. People are who they are and if someone cheats it is all about them and how they value relationships.
Cathleen said…
I have seen a lot of my friends go through the process of asking "why!" when their partner cheats on them. I guess it is usually a case by case basis, but your points would probably be true in most cases.
Brittany said…
This was perfectly said. I am someone that has been lied to and emotionally cheated on and this is spot on.
This is a tough pill to swallow. Seems like you have a really good grip on Cheating! Stay Beautiful!
whatsupdearie said…
Liars are individuals that hide the truth to the deepest hole without caring about the results of their failures
Sondra Barker said…
Cheaters are just selfish individuals. I wish more people valued relationships nowadays.
xo, Sondra
Melanie said…
There are so many why's when someone is hurting because of a damaged or destroyed relationship. It's reassuring, I'm sure to get a better understanding of why things have happened.
Tomi C said…
What a powerful essay. Moving forward after such a lie is difficult but you must decide as a couple how to proceed and be okay with that choice. I've known couples who have stayed together after infidelity and others who split up. There's no one shoe fits all.
Unknown said…
This hits really close to home for me. My dad had an affair that lasted roughly a year before it all came out. During that time he portrayed most of the characteristics you described here, drifting further from the family while my mom went crazy with suspicion. Cheating definitely hurts everyone involved.
reesa said…
What a story! I bet anyone going through this can seriously help anyone who has been through this!
What an interesting read. This is emotional and powerful. Cheating is never about the other, it is always about the insecurity of the one cheating
Unknown said…
This is a very powerful, emotional read. Being cheated on is something I can relate to so as I read this, all I could do was shake my head yes because it is all so true.